Armageddon Boulevard (review by Butch Miller)
Conrad Brooks. The name means nothing to most people, and that is as it should be. In fact, if it wasn’t for the tremendous load of guilt I have for not having sent the Yak a review in ages combined with my absolute, unbridled, fathomless wrath at this ‘movie,’ I would never speak the name Conrad Brooks again lest it lead another unwary soul down a path that could cause them to come into contact with one of his poorly-dubbed VCR recordings.
You’ll never see this or any other Conrad Brooks ‘film’ on a screen larger than those sold at Sears. In fact, my reaction to this ‘film’ is basically unprintable, but I uttered it so many times while watching “Armageddon Boulevard” or “Apocalypse Road” or whatever in the bloody hell he titled this atrocity that I simply need to include it. If Yak had this review site on an adult host, I would be able to review the ‘movie’ with these three words: “What the f*ck?”
That’s my review of the ‘movie’ in it’s entirety, if you ask me on the street. You say, “Armageddon Alley?” or whatever the hell it’s called. I say in response, fully understanding the context of your question, “What the f*ck?”
Ok. So you expect a REVIEW. Well, not only is that unnecessary, but it’s damned near impossible. The ‘film’ is a bunch of unrelated and annoying scenes. This ‘movie’ is SO annoying that Conrad manages to make a completely naked, lovely young girl with a g-string tan line and boots and a pistol, into an irritation. Julie Strain is in this film, barely clad as usual, and she’s another annoyance. Robert Z’Dar, the only human on Earth with a face wider than Xena, is ALWAYS annoying. By the time this ‘film’ ends, not only do you wonder what the f*ck anyone is in it for at all, but you want to break things.
I used to hate Sandy Frank. Read my review of “Fugitive Alien“ to see just how much I hated Sandy Frank. Here’s how I feel about Sandy Frank after watching “Apocalype Driveway.” If I had to choose between seeing “Armageddon Road” for free in my own home with my wife at my side and endless popcorn and refreshing beverages, or paying $1000 to be straitjacketed with my eyes propped open, like Alex in “A Clockwork Orange,” and forced to watch every film Sandy Frank ever contributed to, I’d have to take the Sandy Frank film festival. In fact, after watching Conrad’s ‘movie’ I think I’d like to give Sandy Frank a big french kiss just for not being Conrad–and I still don’t know what gender Frank is.
This ‘film’ gets a rating of negative one billion (-1,000,000,000) yaks. It is the most heinous atrocity ever executed. I just thank God and Cthulhu that actual celluloid wasn’t wasted in the ‘production,’ as it was clearly ‘filmed’ with someone’s camcorder. If you see Conrad Brooks at a convention or in the street, start by kicking him in the balls. Be sure to have brought a lunch. You’ll have made the world a better place for all of our progeny.